the_ss_mijin

It’s not working and it isn’t going to work. Talking you you is like trying to talk to a brick wall most of the time. Frankly you irritate me more than you make me smile, laugh or whatever. You have ever since I snapped at you before I left for San Francisco. You think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread and honestly, you aren’t. I’m not stupid and you can’t ‘play’ me. I’m not oblivious and I often know more than I let on. The way you handled your relationship right before you and Jenni broke up is very off-putting and unattractive.

You don’t know anything about me or how I work. It often seems like you’re not even interested in learning anything about me and you are never are interested in letting me learn about you. More often than not I find our conversations uninteresting because we never talk about anything.

You’re needy and rather controlling and it’s not a quality that I put up with. We’re not even dating and some times I feel like you think you can tell me to do whatever you want or to tell you whatever you want to hear and that I’ll do it. I don’t work that way. I won’t stand for that kind of bullshit. I am a fiercely independent, free-spirited person who  does their own thing.

I’m starting to wonder if I ever honestly liked you to begin with. I think it was one of those things where you like someone because you think or know they like you. All I know now is that I’m not interested, I don’t get antsy waiting for a text from you. I don’t find myself hoping that I see or talk to you, somedays I pray that you won’t talk to you. This may seem harsh but I’m being completely honest with you.

It takes a lot for me to like someone, to really like someone and you just aren’t that person. I’m sorry but that’s just how it is.

I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t try to talk to me or ‘debate’ this with me because frankly I’m not interested in listening to you whine insistently about how awesome you say you are or how awesome people say you are because that’s all it is, what you say. Your actions and words just don’t impress me because that’s all it is, words. Don’t say about how much you like me and how tragic or devastating me not being interested in you is.

I’m beginning to wonder if you seriously liked me or if you just wanted me to fawn over you. You’re one of those guys who just likes to have girls fawn over you and you aren’t really interested but you throw a fit the minute you no longer have their undivided attention.

You aren’t ready for a relationship, especially not one with me. Everything I’ve seen says that much. I’m done, I’m over it and I’m happy with my decision. Accept it, hate it, get over it or do whatever you care to do. I don’t care. I know who I am and I’m not interested. End of story.

I'm not quite sure why I feel this way, since I honestly shouldn't. I'm not loosing a friend but I can't help but feel like you have more fun with her than you do with me. I'm glad you're working stuff out but I honestly don't know if I'm ready to forgive her for virtually hating me for no reason. I don't think I'm ready to forgive her, I'll try but I can't promise anything. Honestly she leaves a bad taste in my mouth, especially all of this. To be honest I don't think she's really gotten over the whole ordeal, I feel like she's just pretending to so you don't 'choose' me over her. But whatever. It's not important anymore.

--

As for you, I really, really like talking to you but I don't like the position it puts me in. I don't want to 'be the reason' you two break up even if I'm not. Stop being confusing and stop flirting while you're still in a relationship, please. It isn't fair to me or the other girl. I refuse to be the 'other woman'.

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately and a lot of things I want to say to people but probably never will. Oh well, at least I can write it down to get it all out. These are anonymous, because I don't feel like naming names.  Please feel free to comment if you feel the need :)

o1) You just make me laugh and not in a good way. I laugh because you're just so ridiculous. You hate me because I'm your best friend's other best friend and you think I'm stealing her away from you. You hate me because I view things differently than you do. You hate me because I'm supporting her in something that makes her happy and because I'm okay with not holding her hand throughout the whole ordeal and because I'm willing to let her make mistakes and fall. You can't learn if you don't make some mistakes here and there. You've been nothing but passive aggressive and rude to me when all I've tried to do is be a friend to you. Okay, whatever. I don't need this. I'll give you another chance if you wise up and come to me but I'm tired of trying to meet you halfway, 3/4 of the way, etc.

o2) It's a shame she got to know you before I did :/ Oh well, I'm just glad you make her happy and I know you're going to treat her right. Glad you're my new bestie :) Can't wait for you to visit in August. Also, I want my sammich.

o3) I still don't know if you know how much I liked you, how much I still like you. Still, just seeing you brings a smile to my face and I still really, really enjoy talking to you. I just wished we talked more. I think that if we actually hung out outside of work that we'd have a lot of fun. I don't see us going anywhere relationship-wise, we kinda have different lifestyles, but I do think we can be really, really good friends if you're willing.

o4) I really, really wish you wouldn't keep sending me mixed signals. The fact that you just told me that if your current girlfriend didn't want to go out you would've asked me out(which really I can't decide if that's a compliment or not. I'm second choice? Granted we didn't really know each other then but still...). You keep flirting with me and I can't help but flirt back even though I know I shouldn't. Damn it, stop leading me on!

o5) You're my best friend and even though you've screwed up in the past you're determined to make it up to me and I'm so glad I gave you that second chance. I'd be lost without you and I wouldn't have half the friends I do without you. We gone through some rough times but I think it's only made our friendship that much stronger. I'm going to see you through this rough time of yours and no matter what happens, good or bad, I'll be the shoulder you need to lean on.

o6) I'm still upset with you, I'll probably be upset with you for a while. I don't like the way you're acting but your post on his status about how you don't have to like change but you have to accept it renewed some of the respect I had for you. I think once things start to settle I'll get over my upsetment with you(which you probably aren't even aware that I'm not happy with you) and hopefully we can be friends. I hope that just because you two aren't dating, and probably won't again, doesn't mean we can't be friends. I'm going to be here for you too, if you need me.

o7) You're one of those guys I just can't figure out. You're hot and then you're cold. I can never be sure if you're flirting back or not. Sometimes we get along really well and other times either I infuriate you or you infuriate me. I'm not sure I like this cycle. I'm also not sure anything will ever come of this. Goddamn age gap >(

o8) I don't appreciate you treating me like I'm stupid or acting like you're so much better than me. I've done a lot more than you have in a shorter amount of time. I've kept a job a lot longer than you have, and it's still my first one too. I always have money, where it appears that you never have any. Also, where's my money :( I would really appreciate it, if y'know, you actually paid me back. It's already been two months and I haven't seen a penny. Sigh.

o9) I miss you, I miss talking to you, I miss hanging out with you and I just miss your face. I miss the summer where we hung out all the time and I was in trouble all the time but it was worth it because I got to spend time with you. It seems like every time we're supposed to hang out you don't answer your phone or something comes up. Sigh. At least I'll hopefully see you sometime this month.

1o) Why does it feel like you're ashamed to know me? Ashamed to know any of us? You won't respond to our text anymore and whenever we post on your wall it goes ignored. Are you ashamed to know people from Utah? Do you just not like us anymore? It kinda hurts to even think of it like that. :/

I often wonder when this stopped being fun for me, was it when you and your friends took over, made me wait 3+ months, in a row mind you, coupled with the fact that no matter what I say my opinion didn't matter and you were often incredibly rude to me about it. Sigh. This was supposed to be something I did for fun, to help me relieve stress. I should not end up in tears over this stupid little thing alas there is nothing I can do about it. You will continue your reign of bitchiness and I will continue to be passive aggressive no matter how much I hate it because saying anything to you is pointless. You'll just attack me the minute I say anything and your friends who are so far up your ass that they can't see the light anymore, will jump in immediately and attack me too. It's comforting to know this. It really is.

--

Ugh. So much fucking bullshit and constantly being treated like I'm stupid by everyone. Fuck this. I'm not putting up with it anymore.

So here's the basic rundown of my life right now:

• My mother is out of town, okay she's really out of country seeing family and trying to resolve a family situation. (Which is waaaaaaay complicated, I'll explain it sometime)
• My father is dependent on me and my sister, mostly me though, to take care of everything that my mother would. This includes; laundry, dishes, cooking, dropping off/picking up the dry cleaning, taking my little sister to and from school, keeping the house relatively clean and getting my little sister whenever she goes to a friends house(usually her friend emma who lives ridiculously far away, it's a pain in the ass)
• I have state on Saturday for theatre for I.Es which I'm not certain I'm ready for, it's a pantomime and it's hard sometimes.
• On Thursday, or Friday depending, we have state one acts, which again I'm not sure I'm ready for.
• I won't be able to work at all this week except for Sunday, which kills me. I hate not being able to work
• I need to worry about my grades too
• AND Taming of the Shrew opens in a week as of yesterday, we aren't even close to being ready, I mean most of us are memorized but our set doesn't have like anything! Shit.
• Oh! And there's this kid I like that people are telling me to ask out but I'm not sure if I should, cause I feel like he should ask me out so I know he likes me and it's not just me that likes him.

Um yeah, pretty much my life right now, I have like no free time and I still have a ton of shit to do.Ugh.

It doesn't help that my dad told me that I need to learn to deal with everything without breaking down at all but I guess he forgets that I'm just SEVENTEEN and I have more than just one thing to focus on. Also doesn't help that my little sister can be the biggest brat ever and never gets anything done. Ever. Ugh.

One good thing is, without my mom around I have more freedom, like I can stay out later and do stuff she normally wouldn't let me.

Sigh, I still miss her greatly though.

Maybe I'll take everything that's been building up and release it in the novel I'm working on. I only have like four pages of the first chapter done. That's terrible progress D:

So I feel as though I've disappeared off the face of the planet. Well for a while I did cause I didn't really have anything exciting to say. Now I suppose things are a little different.

So Spring Fling, a girl's choice dance at my school, is this Saturday and I must say that I am rather excited. The reason for this is simple; it's the first dance I've actually asked someone and they said yes. It's also the first dance that I'll have an actual date for.

I did technically have a date for Senior Ball but since I asked him sorta last minute I don't really count it.

So Rainey and I asked Berlin, my date, and Corbin, her date, together. We made little boxes, got pink and blue fruity tootsie rolls and put the letters of our name in them then wrote on colored paper; "Corbin; Pink is the color of your lust" and "Berlin; Blue is the color of Mystery." We also included; "I know you said you wouldn't go, but since it's me maybe you won't say no. After all what's the harm in a little spring fling?" and "I know this is silly. It might even be lame, but I'll never know until I put myself in this game. After all what's the harm in a little spring fling?"

Then had someone give the boxes to them.

They answered with a riddle and Jamba.

Yeah, I'm pretty stoked.

Last week was officially the shittiest week OF my life.

On wednesday I got in a HUGE fight with my parents over how often I wash my hair. APPARENTLY my hair ALWAYS looks like it's dripping with grease. When I asked other people they said it never had, not even the neat-freak kid I know who would be honest and blunt with me. My father called me an embarrassment and asked if I wanted boys to like me. 

My parents then took away my phone and my car, I got my phone back because it's more of a problem for them than for me. The next day I lost my wallet, or at least thought I did. So because of the shitty day before I ended up crying and just going home instead of going to where ever it was with the Musical Peeps. 

Then on Friday I had to go home earlier because 'I had, had a lot of freedom the last few days' so I did. Then I ran inside without grabbing my things because I was already a little late for curfew and didn't want to get in trouble. Big fucking mistake. 

The ONE time I don't shove my iPod into my pocket my fucking car gets stolen.

I'm assuming the stole it FROM MY DRIVEWAY about an hour or so after I went inside. It was missing from at least 5:30 in the morning.

I also lost my  wallet and the bastards used my card. 

I swear to god if I ever see them I'm going to punch their goddamn face in.

Anyway...yeah.

On the bright side Josh made my day on Saturday when he came in and I was the first person he talked to 8D

So I have this friend that I've been friends with for a while. However as of late she's gotten on everyone's nerves and I've decided it's time for a talk. Unfortunately she has quiet the temper and I'm afraid that she won't listen to what I have to say. However I do know that if I don't stand up and say something no one else will. They talk and say they will but knowing them I can't find that true.

I know that at times I'm all talk and no action but I am very well aware that this needs to be addressed by someone. And seeing that I've known her the longest I feel that it's my duty to be the one to say it. And it's partially my fault, I introduced them to everyone. While they might have become friends there is no guarantee.

I'm mostly unsure of how to start, because if I don't start the topic well she won't listen.

I was thinking something like this;

You've been my friend for a really long time and I would like it to stay that way. However there are a few things I need to address for us to remain friends. Now before you say anything I would like you to listen to what I have to say. You have always been a good friend but there are times when I feel like we are doing anything, it's boring or even sometimes it's hard to stand being with you. I know this sounds like you're in trouble but your not. I just want to talk about things.

I'm not trying to point out just your faults during this conversation, hell I have many a faults myself. I'm loud, sometimes bossy and I say a lot of things that I don't mean. Things that can really hurt a person. Sara has her faults to, which you had pointed out to her at one point. She's Deej obsessed but she's been working on it. Honestly I just want to help you so that we can all stay friends

What do you guys think? Am I to harsh?


EDIT;
Meh, I talked to her but it didn't got about how I thought it would at all. Instead of her getting angry she got depressed and started crying.

Fuck.

The way she reacted, by posting on DA and on forum me and some friends frequent, made me seriously regret saying a damn thing at all. I swear to god I just made a bad situation even worse. The thing that sucks the most is she's not even mad at me. She's mad at Sara when she really should be more pissed at me.

 

Of course she only thinks that I'm the messenger and that it's Sara's fault because she didn't confront her directly but she was respecting my wishes by letting me talk to her alone at first.

Now she's pissed at Sara because I let it slip that Sara was slightly annoyed with the way Carolyn was pushing her around. Hell -I'd- be annoyed too. Who wouldn't? Now I've made a big mess that Sara will probably end up cleaning up.

At this point I'm pretty sure they won't be friends anymore.

I'm pretty sure I won't be friends with her much anymore. I'm sick of her bullshit and the way she always has to throw herself a fucking pity party.

If your interested in seeing what she had to say, you can look her up on deviantart via the username of Pachabel, though it might take a while. OR look me up Nuxaz, go to Robinlover then travel south to Pachabel via watchers.

 These are just some poetry I've done/been working on. Enjoy!

I wanna dance on the bridge of freedom
I wanna sing the song of salvation
I be free
I wanna fly away
Fly away to that glorious bridge

Someone come save me
And take me away
Help me fly to that bridge
Today.

--
We stand in perfection
We play the part well
We hate our perfection
We hide it too well

--
There's not a moment that goes by
There's not a second in time
That I'm not wishing to see you

There's not a day in the year
There's not a minute to spare
I need to hear your voice
Here you call my name

Every month that passes
Every hour that goes by 
Leaves me wanting more of you

[Insert the rest of the poem]

That's just a few of them. Hope you enjoy 8D

Yesterday was my birthday and I have to say it was a pretty awesome birthday, even if half of my friends didn't know. XD It was still awesome.

I got lots of hugs, Mo made me cupcakes and my friend Tawni gave me a pretty bracelet and a gift card to pretty much anywhere. Awesome. Shan has my present in her car and some other people are going to give it to me with my christmas present, which is all good with me.

My family gave me two new hoodies, one black and one purple. Two pairs of gloves, one of which are pink and white hobo gloves. A white turtle neck, to which my older sister was all "You ASKED for a turtleneck? I would never ask for one." To which my mother retorted with "That's because she has a nice neck and you don't have one at all." To which I laughed.

The other present they gave me was simply AMAZING! 

It was a purple iPod nano. Pretty damn sweet if you ask me. I already have 266 songs on it. Not bad for like an hour and a half of putting music on it. 

Tomorrow I need to upload music on to my dad's blue nano.

Anyway I'm pretty happy. I'm officially seventeen and can go buy R rated movie tickets! Yay me!

Um...yeah